Over the years I have learned that believing and trusting in someone always turns to chaos and pain. That trusting a man is pointless. Believing that through any trial your relationship may encounter, love will conquer, love will prevail. Even with love one must read the fine print. There's always a clause. Nothing in life is forever, not even life.
Instead people spend their lives trying to convince their 'significant' other that they are the one. Communicating that they should be given the privilege of trust and affection. Quietly they snicker to themselves about how they've manipulated their partner into believing their evil plot. Their ego is now fed and they feel empowered with control. They feel a sense of justification from within. With this new found justification they bring in others to join their malicious scheme. Meanwhile behind closed doors they profess their undying love for you. '"I love you baby and I will fight for our love". In which that beautiful confession then turns to, "I love you so much I have to leave you". How contradicting and hypocritical. Once more this is where the clause (the fine print) settles comfortably.
The truth is they never loved you. How well it's verbalized means nothing. Nor does it matter who they have in their corner backing them up with this twisted sense of perception. This is not love, more on the grounds of deceptiveness and betrayal. Their love is so deep, so profound, that they proceed to go on with their life without a care at all as yours shatters before you. You're no longer a thought nor a memory, only a molecule in the air that can no longer be touched or seen.
Your heart is riddled with the painful emotions that come racing towards it like a 747 with feelings that you believed existed. He explains all the reasons of why this must be. Why you two should part. Theoretically it sounds convincing. But you wonder why isn't he standing before you giving reasons of why he will fight for the love he says he has for you, the bond that you both share.
Maybe I am different from others you think to yourself. For I choose not to believe what has been programmed into all of us before we understood what love really meant. Whether the brainwashing occurred from society, our parents, or our friends. For only I know what my heart feels, no one else can determine that for me.
The emotions begin to come in like a tsunami. Your whole relationship flashes before your eyes as you drown with sorrow. You feel used, you think of the years spent, the words exchanged, and how you gave yourself openly without a thought. The emptiness is unbearable, the pain so intense. Yet you're expected to still function in this hypocritical world. You're expected to blend amongst the the other brainwashed human beings that roam throughout this land of burden. Making excuses, giving reasons, only to repeat the same cycle with someone else.
Your friends will tell you it just was not meant to be. Honey, it's for the best. But how would they handle their own demise? The one you shared your most intimate moments with has turned their back on you. They try to make you see that this is the way, the truth, that this if life.
I wonder then, why is suicide not accepted? Is it not that persons reality? That things just keep progressing in the wrong direction? That there is no hope? The only difference is they just don't need others to convince them that this is the way, the truth, that this is life. So who are we to determine what can progress negatively? Or is it applicable only when it works in ones favor. What is hope? To wait patiently for another deception? Who does that?
We are taught to believe and trust without circumstance throughout our entire lives. Life has taught me to look through larger windows.
---I am a voyeur witnessing my own molestation.
~Yvette Carter
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tainted Love
I look at everything that I have gone through in my lifetime and ask myself, why? Is it really me? Why do I yearn so bad for love? Why is it so important for me to obtain that special someone in my life who really means what they say to me. Words are so powerful- Am I supposed to be so vulnerable and naive or oblivious just because they say that they love me? I have learned through experience it just doesn't happen that way in life. As simple and sweet as it sounds, it just doesn't. Life is more complex than that. There's always something else...or someone else. There's always a clause, the fine print that being in love masks. I know this..I've seen it with my own two eyes, I've experienced it way too many times to just pretend it's not inevitable. I wish I could just live in a bubble and have song birds singing over my head with every step or breath that I take. I wish....But wishing is for fools.
I know that I am difficult to understand. But I need so much to be understood. I don't want to follow the crowd. I don't want to do what's already expected. I want to be different. And with the things that I do I know it's hard to see. But I need you to see....I don't want to continue to uphold a complete lie that has been embedded in our perspectives as humans by someone who followed the same plan. I am so passionate about this revelation that I have left relationships. At times even questioning what is wrong with me? I have fought for what I believe in and hold so true. True to myself.
God says put not your trust in man. Why is that? I believe it's because man is of the flesh. He is bound to make mistakes. So why believe in something that you know already is not a sure thing. Believe me, it took me forever to understand this concept. To know what it is that I have to do in order to keep me grounded, no matter what the consequence could bring me. I'm still developing, learning whatever you wish to call it. I have hit rock bottom. I learned to dig deep within myself and observe my surroundings. Everyone in life looks different, but they are all following the same EXACT path. In any city, country, town, what have you. Very few in life have grasped this concept. I just can't trust. I have to know if you're worthy enough for my trust. I have to know that you understand me, no matter how complex, or confusing I may be. That you too have dug deep inside yourself and understand a piece of this existence we are in. It is important to me to know that the things you say are real. Without mirages, exaggerations, self-gratification, or anything else that falls under selfishness. That you hold true to what it is your mouth has uttered.
Man has tried to rip so much of my life. I literally have been gutted. But the one thing they can't steal from me is my mind. They haven't figured that part out, how to rape me of that too. But for the one who reaches that plateau within my brain, they will no longer have those intentions. For it would be at that point they would understand me and literally see within their own eyes a flash of my life. They will understand and appreciate not only my struggle but my strength for enduring the resistance. The other fallen soldiers who never made it, the hardships I endured with man or without. There's so much energy emitting from my mind I feel like a super hero sometimes. It's powerful-I can't even tell you how much.
Words are just that. Words, but they are powerful. I dream, I dream so much. At times it throws me off course of what I should stay focused on. Because with all that I just said the sacrifice of wanting love and standing true to what you believe in is so painful. Because as mentioned, I too..am of the flesh. And I want to be loved so bad. But I want something different. I don't want to be another zombie walking through this life following a fucked up plan. I don't want to do what others are doing. I want to do what they aren't. And be true to it in every sense of the word. That's so hard to find. There's so much fine print. At times it's so difficult to unveil. I guess it's because God knows I'm not ready for it yet. When it comes it's so enormous I feel weak. God give me the strength to continue for I am getting weak.
I know that I am difficult to understand. But I need so much to be understood. I don't want to follow the crowd. I don't want to do what's already expected. I want to be different. And with the things that I do I know it's hard to see. But I need you to see....I don't want to continue to uphold a complete lie that has been embedded in our perspectives as humans by someone who followed the same plan. I am so passionate about this revelation that I have left relationships. At times even questioning what is wrong with me? I have fought for what I believe in and hold so true. True to myself.
God says put not your trust in man. Why is that? I believe it's because man is of the flesh. He is bound to make mistakes. So why believe in something that you know already is not a sure thing. Believe me, it took me forever to understand this concept. To know what it is that I have to do in order to keep me grounded, no matter what the consequence could bring me. I'm still developing, learning whatever you wish to call it. I have hit rock bottom. I learned to dig deep within myself and observe my surroundings. Everyone in life looks different, but they are all following the same EXACT path. In any city, country, town, what have you. Very few in life have grasped this concept. I just can't trust. I have to know if you're worthy enough for my trust. I have to know that you understand me, no matter how complex, or confusing I may be. That you too have dug deep inside yourself and understand a piece of this existence we are in. It is important to me to know that the things you say are real. Without mirages, exaggerations, self-gratification, or anything else that falls under selfishness. That you hold true to what it is your mouth has uttered.
Man has tried to rip so much of my life. I literally have been gutted. But the one thing they can't steal from me is my mind. They haven't figured that part out, how to rape me of that too. But for the one who reaches that plateau within my brain, they will no longer have those intentions. For it would be at that point they would understand me and literally see within their own eyes a flash of my life. They will understand and appreciate not only my struggle but my strength for enduring the resistance. The other fallen soldiers who never made it, the hardships I endured with man or without. There's so much energy emitting from my mind I feel like a super hero sometimes. It's powerful-I can't even tell you how much.
Words are just that. Words, but they are powerful. I dream, I dream so much. At times it throws me off course of what I should stay focused on. Because with all that I just said the sacrifice of wanting love and standing true to what you believe in is so painful. Because as mentioned, I too..am of the flesh. And I want to be loved so bad. But I want something different. I don't want to be another zombie walking through this life following a fucked up plan. I don't want to do what others are doing. I want to do what they aren't. And be true to it in every sense of the word. That's so hard to find. There's so much fine print. At times it's so difficult to unveil. I guess it's because God knows I'm not ready for it yet. When it comes it's so enormous I feel weak. God give me the strength to continue for I am getting weak.
The Jester
She once was a goddess in disguise She watches from the shadows
As others drive down the same road euphoria now taints her blood
Her paranoia has taken full control as she imagines images mangling her soul
There's no world who thinks of stars
When nothing is left for her to do than to flag down cars
The music she once heard that once turned to words
Has turned to mumbling nothing but useless blurbs
She walks two and fro it's no longer a dance
She tries ever so hard to live life at a glance
Her dreams are now nightmares crazy but true
Now time just stands still
Hollywood is now in who?
The gates have rusted
The tales they are old
The only jester she can make
is sir, please take me out of the cold.
For my face is my painted mask
As others drive down the same road euphoria now taints her blood
Her paranoia has taken full control as she imagines images mangling her soul
There's no world who thinks of stars
When nothing is left for her to do than to flag down cars
The music she once heard that once turned to words
Has turned to mumbling nothing but useless blurbs
She walks two and fro it's no longer a dance
She tries ever so hard to live life at a glance
Her dreams are now nightmares crazy but true
Now time just stands still
Hollywood is now in who?
The gates have rusted
The tales they are old
The only jester she can make
is sir, please take me out of the cold.
For my face is my painted mask
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