Tainted Love

I look at everything that I have gone through in my lifetime and ask myself, why? Is it really me? Why do I yearn so bad for love? Why is it so important for me to obtain that special someone in my life who really means what they say to me. Words are so powerful- Am I supposed to be so vulnerable and naive or oblivious just because they say that they love me? I have learned through experience it just doesn't happen that way in life. As simple and sweet as it sounds, it just doesn't. Life is more complex than that. There's always something else...or someone else. There's always a clause, the fine print that being in love masks. I know this..I've seen it with my own two eyes, I've experienced it way too many times to just pretend it's not inevitable. I wish I could just live in a bubble and have song birds singing over my head with every step or breath that I take. I wish....But wishing is for fools.
I know that I am difficult to understand. But I need so much to be understood. I don't want to follow the crowd. I don't want to do what's already expected. I want to be different. And with the things that I do I know it's hard to see. But I need you to see....I don't want to continue to uphold a complete lie that has been embedded in our perspectives as humans by someone who followed the same plan. I am so passionate about this revelation that I have left relationships. At times even questioning what is wrong with me? I have fought for what I believe in and hold so true. True to myself.

God says put not your trust in man. Why is that? I believe it's because man is of the flesh. He is bound to make mistakes. So why believe in something that you know already is not a sure thing. Believe me, it took me forever to understand this concept. To know what it is that I have to do in order to keep me grounded, no matter what the consequence could bring me. I'm still developing, learning whatever you wish to call it. I have hit rock bottom. I learned to dig deep within myself and observe my surroundings. Everyone in life looks different, but they are all following the same EXACT path. In any city, country, town, what have you. Very few in life have grasped this concept. I just can't trust. I have to know if you're worthy enough for my trust. I have to know that you understand me, no matter how complex, or confusing I may be. That you too have dug deep inside yourself and understand a piece of this existence we are in. It is important to me to know that the things you say are real. Without mirages, exaggerations, self-gratification, or anything else that falls under selfishness. That you hold true to what it is your mouth has uttered.

Man has tried to rip so much of my life. I literally have been gutted. But the one thing they can't steal from me is my mind. They haven't figured that part out, how to rape me of that too. But for the one who reaches that plateau within my brain, they will no longer have those intentions. For it would be at that point they would understand me and literally see within their own eyes a flash of my life. They will understand and appreciate not only my struggle but my strength for enduring the resistance. The other fallen soldiers who never made it, the hardships I endured with man or without. There's so much energy emitting from my mind I feel like a super hero sometimes. It's powerful-I can't even tell you how much.

Words are just that. Words, but they are powerful. I dream, I dream so much. At times it throws me off course of what I should stay focused on. Because with all that I just said the sacrifice of wanting love and standing true to what you believe in is so painful. Because as mentioned, I too..am of the flesh. And I want to be loved so bad. But I want something different. I don't want to be another zombie walking through this life following a fucked up plan. I don't want to do what others are doing. I want to do what they aren't. And be true to it in every sense of the word. That's so hard to find. There's so much fine print. At times it's so difficult to unveil. I guess it's because God knows I'm not ready for it yet. When it comes it's so enormous I feel weak. God give me the strength to continue for I am getting weak.